Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
