I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Help. Why am I so naked?
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