I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
