The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
