Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
