Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
