She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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