Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind