And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.