I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
