I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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