went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
