I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
