i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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