two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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