I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My bed smells like the plague
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
