I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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