I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
