i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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