So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
