apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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