Will you blow on my dice?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
