This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
