I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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