My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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