I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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