So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
