He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
