I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
