I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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