i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
