he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to calm my uterus...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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