Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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