whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
