i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
