Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
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I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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