Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
