dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
