I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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