Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
