I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
