i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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