we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
