my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
