Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
