So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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