Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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