remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
