ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
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I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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