I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
