the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
