I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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